Conflicted

My eldest brother is my half –brother. My mother fell pregnant with him when she was 21. His biological dad wanted nothing to do with him and my dad adopted him.

Until my father passed away, he was the only father that my brother knew. My two younger brothers only found out just before my father died that my eldest brother had a different father – I figured it out when I was about 10 and asked my mom about it.

About two years ago, my brother’s father contacted him and paid for my brother’s flight ticket so that my brother could meet him and his other siblings.

I have never actually given this much thought before and never stopped to think about how I feel about it. I never thought it would bother me.

This weekend whilst speaking to my mom, the subject of my brother’s father came up and my mom had said that he does not really keep in contact with my brother, although his wife (I suppose my brother’s step-mom) does and so does his half-sister.

Her words were: “He messages her (his sister) now and again.”

My response “Oh, that’s nice! He can message his sister who he barely knows but his sister he has known his whole life, he can’t message.” Yes, clearly a childish reaction. Yes, clearly me being jealous.

My mom responded to say that he usually only sends a message in response to his sister’s messages (she probably only said this to make me feel better).

This morning, my brother was updating his life- events on Facebook and tagged me in on some of these updates.

I could not initially see what he tagged me in on so I went onto his profile to check.

He had named his biological father and (naturally) my mom as his parents. This irks me because even though I know that my dad was not his biological dad, this man did absolutely nothing for him and in fact denied that he was the father. This man did not struggle to support his family, to put food on the table and clothes on my brother’s back. I know that my dad will always be my brother’s father and he will always see him as that but it bothers me immensely (even hurts) that my brother has named him as his father.

Needless to say, my brother is also friends with his other siblings on Facebook. While trying to find out what I was tagged in, I came across his brother and obviously the relationship status on facebook is “brother.”

For the first time since ever finding out that my brother is my half-brother and him meeting his father and siblings, it has hit me – HARD.

My brother has another FAMILY!

He has other brothers!

I AM NO LONGER HIS ONLY SISTER!

For the first time I realise that this bothers me. I am jealous that he has other siblings. I know it shouldn’t bother me, that I shouldn’t be jealous; that he will always be my brother; that I will share memories with him that his other sister won’t – like the time he lied and told my mom the school was having a “bring your little brother or sister to school day”, just so that he could take me with him to school. I know that my brothers will share memories with him that his other brother’s won’t.

I know that this isn’t easy for him; that this is not his fault and that he has also lost out on growing up with his other siblings.

I know I should be happy that he is getting to know his other family and that his father is actually showing some interest.

But what if he likes them more than us?

(A little childish I know but this is how I feel)

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8 thoughts on “Conflicted

  1. Hi,
    I have just come across your blog (well on Friday to be precise). It really must be very tough for you and I am sure even more difficult knowing your father is no longer with you. I don’t even think saying that you should be there to support him is even appropriate as you need just as much support in having to accept your brother has another life. I think it is fair and understandable that you feel the way you do and not childish at all.

    Like

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