An Open Letter To A Sock Thief

Dear Mr Sock Thief

You are most likely the most stealthy thief that has ever existed.

You somehow always manage to sneak into my house unnoticed and I only ever know that you were there when I cannot find a complete pair of socks.

I can never quite fathom when it is that you have been around and stolen yet another sock.

Pray tell, at what stage do you actually steal only one sock of a pair? Is it when I put BOTH my socks in the laundry basket, or when I put them BOTH in the wash? Or do you wait until the last moment and sneak a sock out of the tumbler drier?

Why do you only feel the need to take only one sock of a pair? Do you only have one leg or foot? Or are you one of those odd people who like to wear mismatched socks?

Do you actually wear my socks? I shudder at the thought! Or do you just have a strange fetish and merely collect my socks?

Maybe you make sock puppets out of my socks to keep you amused? I think that you should then consider adding a pair of socks to your sock puppet collection – they could be twins! You know, just to keep things original and fresh.

Can I just tell you that I really have no use for just one sock of every pair. I also do not wear mismatched socks, nor do I only have one foot. I also do not appreciate the time spent searching for the socks that you have stolen. I am sure you have a good giggle over my frustration when I cannot find a complete pair of my socks, but please note, I am not here for your entertainment or to amuse you. If you need a giggle, please go watch a comedy show.

I really do not have a job for the mere purpose of buying more socks for you to steal.

I like socks, my socks, and I would appreciate it if you could leave my socks alone. If you really have no inclination to do so, may I suggest that you start stealing the singular socks, the ones with no partners! I am sure you cannot remember all the socks that you have stolen so you won’t actually be stealing the other sock. You can even call it selective memory. At least you will then have a replacement sock for when the other sock has a hole in it. You can thank me later for that idea.

 You would stand a very good chance of getting a job with the CIA. In fact if you need any job references, I will be happy to give them to you.

By now, you should have stolen enough of my socks to last you a life time. You cannot possibly need more socks.

I would appreciate it if you could give some thought to what I have said and leave my pairs of socks alone. You can gladly have the socks with no partners.

Sincerely yours.

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