It’s been a while. Ok, let’s be honest, it’s been a long while since I have blogged and there are just so many reasons for this. The most important reason is Life… life happens. As I’m sitting here typing this, I just want the world to stop for just a few minutes so that I can take a breather. I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that it is already May. May! How did that happen?

So much has happened since I last blogged and I wouldn’t know where to start and quite frankly, I don’t want to go back and re hash the last 2 years.

I am however finding myself getting anxious and I’m a worry – wort by nature so I find myself even more stressed and worried and I decided that I need to get some things off my mind so that I can get less anxious. Once its written down, it almost feels like I am freeing my mind a little – leaving some space for more worries and other thoughts- it’s a vicious circle I tell you.

So what brought this post on?

Let me put you in the picture.

Yolandi’s father passed away in June last year. This was devastating to me- he was like my other father. My heart broke into thousands of pieces and it felt like losing my dad all over again.

He was the breadwinner of the family and you will recall that my godchildren stayed with him and Yolandi’s mom. They take care of the children. He got very sick last year and it turned out to be cancer.

I worried myself half to death over what will happen to the family, and I still have sleepless nights. I think that in evitably they may have to move in with me. I would not mind but I know that Yolandi’s mom likes her independence. There is funds for now but I know that it will not last forever – this is all a story for another day.

My god daughter is best friends with my nephew and she has been going on about changing her surname to ours.  (The kids don’t have a great relationship with their father and should something happen to Yolandi’s mom they will come live with me and not their dad.)

I thought the reason that she wanted to change her surname was mainly because of her father and because of my nephew.

On Saturday, she told me that she cant wait to change her surname. I asked her why.

Her reply: “It’s because I want to be your daughter”.

My heart in pieces. This little girl has never known her mother. She only knows her grandmother as a mother figure.

I hugged her as hard as I could and told her that she is my daughter and it doesn’t  matter what surname she has, that will never change the fact that she is my daughter and I love her like my own. I am proud to call her my daughter.

And I mean every word of it. I would go to the ends of the earth, to hell and back for those kids. They may not be biologically mine and they may not live with me but I will kill for them.

I never thought I would have to answer the hard questions. D asked me why God had to take his mother and his grandfather. His mom had promised that they were going to go to Disneyland and travel the world together. He was going to fishing with his grandfather-  why did God have to take them? Did God not know how much he needed them?

How do I answer these questions for a teen when I myself can’t answer the same questions for myself. When I ask the same questions daily? All I could say was that his mom and grandfather are so very proud of him and that they would want him to be happy and go travel the world and do the things that they wanted to do. Because that would make them happy to see him happy.

I see so much of myself in him. He carries the world on his shoulders at such a young age and all I want to do is just hug and to tell him to give me all his worries, I will shoulder that burden so that he can just be a teen.

These kids. We don’t share a name. We don’t share the same genes but my love for them knows no bounds and when they hurt, all I want to do is make the world right again for them, take away that pain.


Monday Motivational

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Click on image for link

Monday Motivational: Life goes on

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Life Lately

For the last few months, I have not really been blogging for a number of reasons which in itself may seem mutually exclusive of itself.

I have simply not had the time. Work has been exceptionally busy and for some reason, come August, the workload just seems to increase and I have no time for myself until the holidays in December.

I have also been working on my little business and filling my time with websites, logos, company registrations and all those wonderful little things. Every time I want to sit down and start typing a blog post, I think of all the productive things that I can be doing with my time; like work, building my little business, spending time with my family and friends and the one thing that I cannot ever seem to do- SLEEP. I either feel guilty for then wanting to blog or even read a blog or just decide that I don’t have the energy to string any words together that may make any sense at all.

I have also been trying to spend more time offline. I must be honest and say that I have really been enjoying this. The more time I spend offline, the less time I want to spend online. I simply don’t feel the need to record everything that may or may not be going on in my life anymore.

On the other hand, I will honestly say that I do miss interacting with everybody and reading your blogs and what is going on in your lives. I miss being able to give encouragement and in returns receiving encouragement on a particularly bad day. Blogging also helps to clear my mind and helps to relax me.

I have also spent the last two months deciding whether I still want to blog in light of the fact that I have not being blogging for a while. I am debating whether to make my blog private so that it there to return to when I feel like blogging again or whether I should delete it entirely. I can’t seem to make up my mind because deep down I don’t think that I want to get rid of this little blog.

The last few months have had its fair share of ups and downs for me. I have to go and see a specialist about a recurring infection which he is concerned about, especially after the possible, common, causes have been eliminated.

My mother’s RAF trial is to proceed in October and after watching Carte Blanche’s expose on the RAF (the video link is no longer available- sorry), I am not feeling very hopeful. As time passes, the brain damage really becomes more apparent.

My one brother has been retrenched after 10 years with his company. He was the main source of income. It was already difficult for me to support two households and the giant stress ball that I usually am is even more wound up and stressed. I am holding thumbs that he will find work soon but being a white, male in South Africa, work is scarce. And this economy is not doing anyone any favours.

I am excited about my little business venture but also so stressed. I am a perfectionist and also worry about not being good enough. I worry whether I am making a good decision. I keep asking myself what if it flops. Every time that thought enters my head, I repeat this little saying:

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Image from

There is no success unless you take the risk first. And then I tell myself that Thomas Edison failed 1000 times before he created the lightbulb. Okay- I really hope that I don’t fail that many times. On the side note, I am not leaving my day job- I do love what I do – on most days. I just want to try make some extra income so that I can stop stressing about my family and well , hopefully create a job or two.

Other than that, I am celebrating the little things in life and how blessed I am. There are new and exciting times ahead and I am really looking forward to it.

Monday Motivational: Do it now

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It’s just words

This work week greeted our offices with terrible news. Our messenger’s daughter was shot (and her 3 year old daughter killed) on Saturday by her sister’s husband. Her sister had left /was planning to leave her husband. He refused to accept it and then called his wife and shot her sister, her niece, his son (2) and himself while she listened on the phone.

This, on the day, before South Africa celebrated National Women’s Day.

I am beyond angry. I am sad, no devastated, for my colleague and my friend. In the blink of an eye, lives have been ruined, children’s futures stolen, by a selfish individual. I have had a thousand emotions running through my head this week and I cannot seem to articulate any one of them.

This week, the news was filled with another suicide of a 12 year old girl. Not even a month ago, a 12 year old girl at my colleague’s daughter’s school shot herself. She was bullied. Both the girls made the decisions that life was simply not worth living anymore and they made sure that there would be no coming back from there decision.

I look at this world and what it has become; what we, the intelligent species do to each other and to this world and I am overwhelmed by grief. We see children go hungry and at the same time dispose of food, all for the sake of making a profit. We slaughter innocent men, women and children all because they do not share the same beliefs as us. We rape young girls; we sell children; we sadistically film the rape and abuse of children; we bully because people are not the same as us, cannot afford the same things that we have, because we think that they are less than what they are or will ever be.

We celebrate National Women’s day; we have 16 days of activism for no violence against women and children and all sorts of campaigns – does this really help stop the violence against women and children? We blog, tweet and share on outrage on facebook about another senseless murder, another rape, another crime, bullying, the abuse of animals and every other cause. But that is all it ever seems to be – words.

Words and no action.

Outrage and no action.

It seems as if the more we say, the less we do.

Sharing is not always caring.

There will never be change if there is no action.

This week I felt ashamed to be a part of this human race – a race that lost all its humanity.

Today, I planned to write a blog post celebrating my second blog-aversary and to do a little catch up on my life. I was going to waste my time on trivial matters. But I find myself writing words that will most likely make no difference, word coupled with no action and tomorrow the world will still be the same, brutal place that it is today.