It’s been a while. Ok, let’s be honest, it’s been a long while since I have blogged and there are just so many reasons for this. The most important reason is Life… life happens. As I’m sitting here typing this, I just want the world to stop for just a few minutes so that I can take a breather. I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that it is already May. May! How did that happen?
So much has happened since I last blogged and I wouldn’t know where to start and quite frankly, I don’t want to go back and re hash the last 2 years.
I am however finding myself getting anxious and I’m a worry – wort by nature so I find myself even more stressed and worried and I decided that I need to get some things off my mind so that I can get less anxious. Once its written down, it almost feels like I am freeing my mind a little – leaving some space for more worries and other thoughts- it’s a vicious circle I tell you.
So what brought this post on?
Let me put you in the picture.
Yolandi’s father passed away in June last year. This was devastating to me- he was like my other father. My heart broke into thousands of pieces and it felt like losing my dad all over again.
He was the breadwinner of the family and you will recall that my godchildren stayed with him and Yolandi’s mom. They take care of the children. He got very sick last year and it turned out to be cancer.
I worried myself half to death over what will happen to the family, and I still have sleepless nights. I think that in evitably they may have to move in with me. I would not mind but I know that Yolandi’s mom likes her independence. There is funds for now but I know that it will not last forever – this is all a story for another day.
My god daughter is best friends with my nephew and she has been going on about changing her surname to ours. (The kids don’t have a great relationship with their father and should something happen to Yolandi’s mom they will come live with me and not their dad.)
I thought the reason that she wanted to change her surname was mainly because of her father and because of my nephew.
On Saturday, she told me that she cant wait to change her surname. I asked her why.
Her reply: “It’s because I want to be your daughter”.
My heart in pieces. This little girl has never known her mother. She only knows her grandmother as a mother figure.
I hugged her as hard as I could and told her that she is my daughter and it doesn’t matter what surname she has, that will never change the fact that she is my daughter and I love her like my own. I am proud to call her my daughter.
And I mean every word of it. I would go to the ends of the earth, to hell and back for those kids. They may not be biologically mine and they may not live with me but I will kill for them.
I never thought I would have to answer the hard questions. D asked me why God had to take his mother and his grandfather. His mom had promised that they were going to go to Disneyland and travel the world together. He was going to fishing with his grandfather- why did God have to take them? Did God not know how much he needed them?
How do I answer these questions for a teen when I myself can’t answer the same questions for myself. When I ask the same questions daily? All I could say was that his mom and grandfather are so very proud of him and that they would want him to be happy and go travel the world and do the things that they wanted to do. Because that would make them happy to see him happy.
I see so much of myself in him. He carries the world on his shoulders at such a young age and all I want to do is just hug and to tell him to give me all his worries, I will shoulder that burden so that he can just be a teen.
These kids. We don’t share a name. We don’t share the same genes but my love for them knows no bounds and when they hurt, all I want to do is make the world right again for them, take away that pain.